It was a Friday morning. I was on my way to work. It was a long and particularly difficult week. My husband was out of town at a CFP Conference since the previous Sunday. The stress and anxiety of the week was pretty high. Only a superwoman could handle all of this, i I was falling severely short of the superhero status.
It was January, the start of 2012, a New Year, hoping it was a new beginning. Nine months had passed and the memory and loss of my mom was still fresh in my mind. I had been going to see a therapist since the previous August. While it was a place to go to let my tears openly flow, when I left his office I was lost trying to navigate life again as if nothing had happened. I would look around me and see others moving through their days – wanting so much to be like them- free of this pain of profound loss. I was doing my best to function in a new reality, a reality that I did not like at all. I was judging my insides based on what I saw on others outsides. I made up my own story how other people cope with the trials and tribulations so much better than I was. I felt that something was wrong with me and beat myself up emotionally even more. i felt that i was being judged by others, as if their opinion really meant something. In the end, it was my life and the only person that I had to answer to was the person who looked back in the mirror and God.
At this point I had started acupuncture and bodytalk, so I thought that I should be seeing results right away. But, the fact that the ringing and the insomnia continued sent me into a panic. So on that Friday as i was driving into work, having slept no more than 4 full hours in the past 5 days, having the responsibility of caring for two young kids by myself, and having become more and more despondent, I screamed out to God- HELP ME! i was angry with God. I not only screamed i begged- please please HELP me! The tears poured down my face as i felt so alone and so powerless. I called my husband and asked him to come home. He did not realize the extent of what was going on and because he had not experienced loss like this, was tired from the months of “dealing” with me. He refused to come home. He was supposed to spend the rest of the weekend with his parents and relatives to celebrate a birthday. He must have been looking forward to it, because at that point in time, he did not take me seriously. Perhaps he thought that I was embellishing the whole thing. Perhaps he just wanted a weekend off from the harsh realities of living with someone who was in the deep throes of depression. Perhaps he had enough. Unfortunately for me, I did not know how to get myself out of the predicament that I found myself in. I could not figure out how to take a weekend off. I was experiencing all the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from seeing my mother die in a horrible way, the shock from the loss was overwhelming and I was stuck in a vicious cycle where fear and anxiety were the norm.
What was I going to do now? I was trying – I was doing my best under the circumstances and it was not enough! I was so used to doing things on my own- to persevering on my own. I was not accustomed to letting anyone see my weakness. And, here I was – falling apart.
I remember that day as if it were yesterday. I felt so alone and desperate, I felt so sad, I felt so hopeless. I felt like I was done. Only a superhuman force was going to save me from myself, from the situation that I found myself in. I thought all my life that if I lived in a positive way and placed my dreams before me, i would experience the great joy of being alive. At this point, i had not felt joy for over a year and felt like I was at the end of my rope. I did not want to live like this anymore, I did not want to live anymore. I remember calling my aunt and crying. I was crying incessantly. That day I was the duty attorney at my office, the person that all inquiries are forwarded to. In this role, i would not be able to hide in my office tending to my wounds, this added to the anxiety. i started to panic.
Anyone who has had an anxiety attack is familiar with that out of control feeling that takes over. It is sheer terror. Your heart starts racing and your mouth goes dry- I can only imagine this is what a heart attack feels like. I had no resolve to stop my mind from falling into the abyss of darkness on that day. i was exhausted and had no energy. At this point, i could not see straight. Two things went through my mind as i knew I needed help- I called my supervisor to tell him that I was not feeling well and then call my friend Teda to get help. thank god for my aunt as I knew she was there for me. I left my office and not knowing what to do next called Teda and went to her house. From there, she reached out to my other “sisters” and they agreed that the best course of action was to go to the emergency room. She took me to the emergency room just to calm down and make sure that it was not my heart. While it was not physically my heart, my heart was emotionally was broken. While I was at the hospital, my husband did return from out of town and because he did not understand what I was going through- felt that I needed drugs to help solve this problem. But it is GRIEF. Grief cannot be solved by taking drugs. While drugs can mask the symptoms, it would not heal the underlying wound- the incredible loss that I had been facing. The PTSD that I was experiencing. He wanted me to get a psychiatrist to medicate me because in his words- I needed to function better. As stated before, every bone in my body was against taking the medication. I had to follow my intuition. That was when Laya was recommended!
Here was her general purpose statement: “Curious, caring and evolved, I am determined to harness my full power, taking risks in expressing my truths so that I can inspire positive action to alleviate suffering, orchestrate harmony and reveal joy in the world.”
I did not read this until now, but this is a woman who lived her GPS. Laya provided me with the tools that I needed to move through the emotions that I was feeling as a result of everything that came up with the loss of my mother. A lot of what was going on with me had to do with FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real). I had to find ways, tools to release the fear to reconnect with joy again.
My dear friend Annabelle referred me to Laya. I called her and was drawn to her story. She had just experienced the loss of her husband and I felt that she would understand me. So I scheduled an appointment. If you go to her website, www.layaseghi.com, you would get excited by the techniques that she uses to help others heal, EFT or tapping, Body talk, Psych K, EMDR, NET, as well as being greatly influenced by Karl Jung. She would ask your body to determine the type of therapy that would best assist in uncovering the root of the pain. I will never forget what I learned from her as she was helping me to unfold the mystery of me. Psych K was my favorite because there I relearned the following phrase “Magical service every magical day.” i had lost the connection to the magic and miracles of life and she helped me to get it back. She helped me to see the tinnitus, the ringing, as a tool rather than a curse. The ringing was a way in which my body was telling me to slow down. Take deep breaths and take better care of myself. If you cannot change the problem, change your perspective and approach to the problem so that it can be a part of a greater solution in your life. Laya helped me so much and continues to do so. Had I simply medicated myself without looking deeper, then I would never have gotten stronger and allowed the emotions to do what they are intended to do, move through me- not get stuck. At my last appointment, she told me the following “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” I live my life taking in all the experiences it has to offer. Some bring me joy and some bring me pain, the whole p
oint is to stay present in the moment and sit with both. It is ok to sit with pain as it allows you to actually process it to grow and learn along the path. I am so grateful that i have found Laya. The support and the tools introduced by her have helped me learn so much about life. She states on her website the following: “Anxiety, depression, disease, pain, trauma… life often presents unwelcome challenges. The good news is that our response to events can be opportunities for growth and empowerment. As a psychotherapist with over thirty years of experience, my ultimate aim is to help each client restore the connection to the answer that lies within. ” in my case, she helped me to do just that and she continues to help me. As Jung would state, there are no coincidences in life, just many wonderful synchronicities. Meeting Laya was one of those synchronistic moments connected by our mutual friend, offered to help me move forward on my journey. Ahh the magic of life returns- just keeping my eyes open to the miracles that come with it. Thank you Laya!