“You cannot fly until you break the shell (and let life touch you.)” Indie Arie
While it is an incredibly joyful day because of my beautiful kids (and dogs), there is pain there as well: Pain because of how far off I have come to achieving what I pictured to be the perfect mom and Pain because my own mother is no longer here to love and guide me.
Pain is a teacher. But so are butterflies. Why? As I get older, I realize that I absolutely HATE expectations. I see it as snuffing out the creativity of life. But never having the maternal experience before my son was born (it was much easier taking care of my dogs), I followed the expectations of those that I looked to for guidance. And the battle began between what “others” say I should be doing and who I actually want to be. For a natural born dreamer who would rather chase butterflies and get lost in her imagination for hours on end, the discipline it takes to shove my big ideas into such a small and defined box often leaves me feeling suffocated. I certainly have succeeded to a certain extent-done what was necessary to reach certain levels of success- but at quite the expense of the leanings of my soul. As I write this now, I feel the pain of giving up something so precious and vital to my life source. But the reality was to have the beautiful responsibility of caring for another life and providing the kind of life that I had as a child and young adult, I thought that I had to sacrifice. As I write this now, the question becomes –WHY?
I wanted to be a mother. That was a dream of mine. I wanted to teach my children about the beauty of the world. I wanted to raise people who believed in magic and miracles and set out to manifest the destiny of their dreams. I never wanted to limit them by my own beliefs and hang ups. I wanted to empower them through the lens of possibility. So each time I turned away from what the world was telling me was the correct thing to do, I was met with resistance, not just from others, but from me too. Each time I sought out to stake a claim to the life I really want, I allowed fear to take over and stop me from making the most difficult decisions to change the paradigm. And in the end my soul is desperate for the nourishment necessary that cannot be gained from the path others choose for me. Can one that was rigid and controlling-slowly give way to a flexible and free lifestyle that is perfect just for me?
It must- because I look at my children and they are wonderful. They chose me to guide them in this life and it is my duty to be who I am so that they are free to do the same. They are beautiful expressions of joy and love. I know this. But, I also know that a lot of the missteps along the way have arisen from the passive anger not living my truth. I take full responsibility for this. I must. Paths I have chosen, failed expectations, other people’s stories-this cannot be a part of my life any longer! I need to crawl out of a shell where the light cannot get in and embrace this truth that is my life, my journey! Be brave I say, they are watching. Choose courage I repeat, they will if you do. Integrity, Authenticity, love- I am raising adults for the benefit of future generations. This world thrives with wonder and whimsy. Let that never go away. It is never too late to begin today to be whoever you desire to be, they will be proud and follow suit. This is the legacy I will leave for my children- be compassionate for the life you have and you will teach them the same. And the shell surrounding me cracks open just a little as I break out of the matrix and come to that place where dreams are realized-not anyone else’s dreams but the ones that call to me. And there at that perfectly magical place, life will start to touch me in a way that empowers and emboldens health and happiness-and yes most importantly my children through creative living, We will experience bliss, where failures are lesson and butterflies teach me and my children how to dance again! This will be a happy Mother’s Day! I know my mom still guides me from beyond!