“The highest pleasure is to know that through my own transformation I transform the world.”
I have walked the last 7 years of my life seeking out my purpose here on Earth. Ever since my mother took her last breath, I have been looking for “that” reason to live in the face of “this” knowing of our limited time here and the certainty of death. Yes, this is my truth. I live this journey filled with life, with joy, with exuberant ecstasy, yet there are times I am consumed with the darkness, the pain, the deep sorrow this world presents to me.
Many who live life differently will never understand this journey I have chosen to take. They wonder mostly how I could get lost in this “analysis paralysis” when life should merely be lived. But that is not the way I was made. And having lost someone who gave my life meaning and joined me in that search, it has not been an easy 7 years searching out others who could travel with me on this path for I am most certain that we are not meant to walk this journey alone. We need others to ride not just the highs, but especially the lows.
In one month, it will mark the 7th anniversary of my mother’s crossing over and having reflected on this, there has not been another event in my life that has affected me more. I have been looking for so long for my “Why” and that balance that will allow me to slow down to find the universal secret that will allow me to experience the pain in this world with the joy it offers. And here I lay, 3 days of excruciating left sided back pain, emotional as well as physical, because pushing my feelings down has resulted in a physical explosion of pain where tears have been my only release and relief. The current toxic state of affairs in this country, a toxic leadership, the anger, the voices of the youth calling for change arising from the tragedy of the Parkland 17, my own personal circumstances, balanced against a calling for more love, the joy I experience with new amazing connections, my beautiful children as they experience life, kindness, an awakening in our conscious evolution. No wonder there is an epidemic for so long of a numbing of society- it is very difficult to take.
While I have taken steps to better balance my life, to heal, to thrive, I am still in a place where I am forced to acknowledge how terrified I am at the uncertainty of my future. Financial concerns, relationship challenges, in the face of this how normal and understandable it is to feel this way. An excruciating physical pain that emerges from the emotional. This is a moment of time where I am offered the opportunity to speak to my pain, listen to the answers so that it can be validated for the positive. Instead of ignoring it, I get curious. Why are you here-visiting? What are you here to teach me still? Why now? Where am I being pulled in my femininity? In my sexuality? In my humanity? The beauty of acknowledging and validating on this journey- not frightened by the questions, but ready for the enlightenment as the answers come. And in some way, I am still nursing my inner child back to health after the loss of my greatest role model. Welcoming new connections as they appear of the other awakened soul who choose to face their whole person, not to be worried by it, but congratulated for making that powerful step to live a more balanced, healthy life releasing the pain with gratitude for it showing up. The highest pleasure is to know that through my own transformation I can help transform the world.